


puzzle pieces that don't fit together

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending (Of Sorts), Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Whump, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Tendou’s life ends the day he decides not to die.
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu & Tendou Satori, Semi Eita & Tendou Satori, Tendou Satori & Shiratorizawa Academy Volleyball Club, Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 188
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this while i was very distressed. i'm fine now but please for the love of god read the fucking tags.
> 
> cw: suicide attempt

Tendou inhales deeply, a peaceful smile on his face, as his hair dances in the cool air. Serenely, he opens his eyes and takes a moment to take in the view.

Endless fields of Shiratorizawa’s rolling green sway in the breeze, extending across the land as far as the eye could see. In the distance, the elegant peaks of Miyagi’s mountains pierce through a dense layer of clouds, just barely visible night light. The moon is fit to bursting and the stars are so bright it almost seems as if the sky came closer to the Earth just for him.

Then he looks down directly at the edge of the building, where a sea of concrete is just waiting to meet him.

Tendou grins.

Shifting back and forth on his heels, he starts to lean out from the edge, his head curling in preparation for him to dive. His hands are free from the railing, just barely balancing his body behind his back, and he can’t help the hysterical giggle that bubbles up from his throat.

He’s just… he’s so happy. _It’s over._ He leans out a little further, relishing in the way his heart picks up its pace. _It’s finally over._

“Tendou!” a terrified voice cries.

Tendou straightens up robotically, leaning away from the ledge. _Semi._

All of the happiness he felt moments earlier turned to ice in his veins.

_No. It’s ruined._

_“Satori!”_ Semi begs, his voice painfully fragile. “Please!”

_All that work, for nothing..._

Reluctantly, Tendou looks back towards the team. Towards his first real family.

It’s a painful sight.

Tendou has never heard such emotion in Semi’s voice. He has never seen Reon this terrified. He has never seen Kawanishi in such a state of shock. He has never seen Shirabu cry the way he does now. He has never seen so much grief on Goshiki’s face.

They cling together, watching him as if their lives depend on it.

_...It’s all ruined._

The worst part, however—the twist of the blade when the dagger has already been buried in his heart—is Ushijima. Ushijima stands in front of all of them, a trembling hand extended, another hand fisted so tight Tendou is pretty sure he sees blood from Ushijima’s fingernails digging into his palm. “Tendou. Please,” he whispers. _“Why?”_

_It’s_ **_almost_ ** _over._

Tendou forces himself to look away, looking over the edge once again. “Sorry Wakatoshi,” he apologizes, not particularly apologetic. He tries to imagine taking a step forward, psyching himself up to just _do it._ “Don’t forget me, yeah?”

_“Satori,”_ Ushijima’s voice cracks. 

Tendou bites his lip. _Satori._ Ushijima never calls him _Satori._

Ushijima is scared.

... _Why_ is he scared?

_Will I be more of a burden dead or alive?_

He carelessly turns on his heel to face the group, ignoring their scared gasps. He takes note of his friend’s horrified expressions, their pained tears. Guilt crawls at his skin like a pest. It hurts more, seeing their faces, but if he looks away, it’s cowardice. _I want to comfort them but..._ _won’t it be easier when I’m gone? When I can’t hurt them in the first place?_

Tendou sighs, relieved at coming to the same conclusion he did earlier. It’s not something he finds difficult to justify in his current state, but still. “I’ll see all of you in the next life,” he promises. “You don’t need to worry about me anymore, see?” He removes his hands from the railing.

Ushijima lunges forward, alarmed. It’s too late.

Tendou lets his body weight fall back.

Content, he allows himself to think, _Goodbye, my paradise._

Goshiki falls to his knees and _screams,_ guttural, and loud, and _awful._ Tendou, purely out of instinct, scrambles to grab back onto the slippery metal, and Goshiki’s cry breaks off into a terrified whine.

Tendou lets out an irate huff, his suicide attempt being interrupted not once, but twice. Ushijima takes only two more strides forward before Tendou gives him a warning look, visibly loosening his grip on the railing.

Ushijima freezes in his tracks, a desperate, low noise, pushing its way out of his throat.

_What now?_

Tendou looks up towards the heavens and sighs deeply, wishing that for once, the stars could give him an answer. To take the burden of _choice_ off his shoulders.

_But what about your teammates?_

Tendou blinks, his eyes subconsciously straying back to his friends.

_This is good for them. If I live, they’ll just have to live with the burden of keeping me alive. Not something I want to do to them._

“It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay,” Semi whispers to a hysterical Shirabu, eyes squeezed shut, despite being on the verge of collapsing himself.

Goshiki whimpers, still collapsed on his knees, Kawanishi’s arms circling him protectively. Kawanishi himself is almost hyperventilating, one side of his mouth gone slack, his sleepy-eyed expression gone as he stares at Tendou in disbelief.

Reon seems the most composed out of all of them, but his wild eyes and low stance—ready to sprint forward and wrench him away from the edge of the roof at the slightest movement—says otherwise.

Ushijima, the miracle boy himself, has silent tears streaming down his face. His lip trembles, his arms shake, his eyes water.

Tendou looks away.

He never wants to see that again.

_He won’t have to, if he chooses._

Conflicted, Tendou’s eyes meet Ushijima’s again. They widen in surprise, but they’re no less intense. Ushijima’s eyes are almost telling him, _Don’t look away. Don’t you dare look away._

_They will carry the burden of my life if I live… but they will carry the burden of my death if I die._

His face must change with this revelation because something encourages Ushijima to stretch his arm out further. When he doesn’t protest, Ushijima takes another hesitant step forward. “Satori,” he begins, voice raw. “I’m begging you.”

A sobering, coherent thought pierces through the fog of Tendou’s mind.

_I can’t kill myself in front of my friends. I can’t do that to them._

Somehow, this realization feels more like defeat than death itself.

Tendou looks down, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. Slowly, ever so slowly, he clambers back over the railing and steps back down to the floor, collapsing into a heap, barely able to hear their cries of concern through the static in his ears.

Ushijima surges forward, pats his body down as if to make sure he’s all there, then crushes him in a hug. Then it’s Reon, Semi. Shirabu, Kawanishi, Goshiki. They’re holding him. They’re all holding him. They’re all _there._

“Tendou, Tendou, Tendou,” Ushijima whispers

_Why_ are they _there?_

“Guys,” Tendou’s voice is nonchalant, like he’s discussing the weather or a traffic report.

They look at him, confused. 

“Go to bed,” he says. “You don’t want to be late to practice tomorrow,” He smiles, all teeth.

There’s no life behind his eyes.

Goshiki bursts into tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of self-harm (cutting)

Tendou doesn’t leave his room the next day.

Why bother? He didn’t do any of his homework. He wasn’t planning to survive past last night, after all. He didn’t bother with practice either—he can’t really find it in him to meet the eyes of his teammates.

Ushijima stops by his dorm and removes all of the sharp objects in his room.

“You don’t have to do this, Miracle Boy,” Tendou whispers. “I won’t slit my wrists and bleed out in a bathtub,” He burrows deeper under the covers. “The communal showers don’t exactly have a tub,” he informs him wryly.

Ushijima flinches, a visceral movement. “...Don’t. Don’t joke about that, Satori,” Tendou can’t see his face from where he’s sitting on his bed, but he can see the way his jaw clenches, the way his shoulders climb up to his ears. Ushijima forcefully pushes a pair of scissors and an x-acto knife into a bag.

Tendou hums. They both know he wasn’t joking.

Tendou apathetically watches as Ushijima rifles through his wardrobe, then his backpack, then his desk drawers.

“The nail clippers? How am I supposed to cut my nails now?”

“I will buy you a nail file.”

“Aw, Ushijima, come on. What am I going to do with a sewing needle?”

“I would rather not think about the possibilities.”

“The ruler? Really?”

“Yes Tendou, really. This is made of sharp metal.”

It’s all fun and games until Ushijima frowns and pulls out a small book, a pocket-sized edition of Descartes’  _ A Discourse on The Method _ . Tendou inhales sharply. Ushijima knows fully well he thinks philosophy is bullshit; cynicism is just as much a part of him as his obnoxiously bright hair.

Ushijima glances over at him suspiciously.

Tendou’s never had a great poker face.

Ushijima holds over Tendou’s desk upside down and flips it open, where several safety blades fall out from in between the pages.

They all make a metallic  _ clink _ as they hit the table.

Some of them are still caked with dry blood.

Ushijima faces him, eyes wide, mouth slack, arms trembling. If Tendou didn’t know better, he’d say there were tears in his eyes, but Tendou  _ knows  _ him, and he has never seen him cry,  _ never. _ “Where?” Ushijima asks.

Tendou looks away. “Does it matter?”

“Satori.” Tendou sighs. “Tendou,  _ look at me,” _ Ushijima strides over to his bed, gently but firmly placing a hand on his cheek. Tendou tries to look away, but Ushijima refuses him, holding him steady with his palm. “It matters. Of course it matters. Now,  _ where?” _ he implores.

Tendou pulls away under Ushijima’s expectant gaze. “Wakatoshi,” he pleads. “Please, just let me deal with it on my own.”

Ushijima hangs his head in shame. “But I… I want to protect you. Not just as your captain or your teammate, but... as your friend.” Ushijima drops his hands to Tendou’s, squeezing them gingerly. “How can I do that when I can’t even protect you from yourself?”

Tendou bites his lip.

_ Fuck it. _

Tendou removes himself from Ushijima’s grip, attempting to mentally prepare himself.

_ “Honestly Satori, this behavior is just so—appalling, so attention-seeking! Aren’t you too old for these things? Tell me, what exactly do you have to be sad about?” _

Tendou tried to blink the memory away, careful not to let the tears slip out.

_ “Why are you crying? Monsters can’t get hurt!” _

Ushijima carefully wipes away a stray tear, his thumb carefully passing over his skin. 

Gently, ever so gently, Tendou begins to peel off his pants until his underwear is exposed. Ushijima’s eyebrows climb high as he sees the scabs peek over the elastic. Throwing the fabric to the side, he only hesitates for a moment before pulling down one side of his briefs, bright red crisscrossing up and down his right hip.

Some of them went  _ deep. _

He hisses as one of the cuts reopens, blood pooling on his thigh again.

  
Too deep.

By the end of the hour, Ushijima’s properly cleaned Tendou’s wounds, bandaged them, and stripped his room bare of anything sharper than a dull pencil.

(Tendou will never forget the sound of Ushijima’s sobs, even if he wants to. Especially if he wants to. The sound is seared into his mind forever.)

(Next practice, Tendou stays behind in the changing rooms, the last one out like he usually is. The only difference is that Ushijima has joined him, eyes staring intensely at the cuts on his hips the whole time. Even when they fade to scars, he stays.)

(No one questions it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not ready for 402


	3. Chapter 3

Tendou has a new roommate.

Not legitimately per se, but Semi has taken it upon himself to sneak over to his room every single night, so he might as well have one.

Whereas they used to sleep facing opposite sides of the room, backs sometimes pressed against each other, Semi has shamelessly taken to clinging to his side. A light sleeper, he’ll notice if Tendou tries to leave at any time.

(Tendou can’t blame him. Had they come even 30 seconds later than they did, he’d probably be six feet under.)

Tendou doesn’t bother telling Semi that he’s been having trouble sleeping.

Tendou doesn’t tell Semi that he’s conscious when he wakes up thrashing in the middle of the night, clinging to Tendou just to assure himself that he’s still there. Tendou doesn’t tell him that he hears him cry at night when he thinks he’s fallen asleep. Tendou doesn’t tell him that he can feel it when Semi kisses his forehead tenderly with tears in his eyes.

Surprisingly enough, sometimes Ushijima will join them.

Tendou isn’t quite sure how, but they make it work with his tiny bed, Tendou sandwiched in between them, warmth enveloping him in all directions. 

Life goes on.

* * *

It’s not exactly a surprise when his mother starts to scream at him, but Tendou flinches back nonetheless, holding the phone a distance from his ear as if it will make the words hurt less. Tendou waits patiently as his mother takes a few deep breaths.

“Satori, I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. Your father and I… we just feel like you could stand to be more grateful for what we do,” his mother sighs. “We are the only people in this world who will truly, unconditionally care for you. Everyone else will leave. You have to remember this Satori,” She pauses to sip on her wine, probably a  _ Tempranillo _ now that they’re in South America. (She knows more about a good red wine than she knows about her own son.) “They’re not on your side. We are.  _ Trust us.” _

“Yes mom,” Tendou says, not even bothering to defend himself.  _ The last I trusted you was the first time I tried to die. _

“Alright sweetheart, keep your grades up! Good luck with your math test! I hope you do well in your tournament. Dad will call you when he’s not busy.”

“Thanks mom. Love you—!” Tendou is met with a click, then dial tone.

He wonders if she would have said _ “I love you too”.  _

As he lets his phone drop from his hands, he thinks on her parting words; most likely the last he’ll hear for a month or two.

_ “Alright sweetheart, keep your grades up! Good luck with your math test!” I’m not taking any math classes this year.  _

_ “I hope you do well in your tournament.” We were disqualified months ago. Do you even know what sport I play? _

_ “Dad will call you when he’s not busy.” So… never. _

* * *

Goshiki holds his hand now.

It’s incredibly endearing, not that Tendou would ever admit that out loud. Sometimes he can catch Goshiki staring at their entwined hands, as if not entirely convinced that Tendou is there.

Tendou has stopped reading manga and has stopped watching anime.

Goshiki has started reading  _ Jump _ for him. He recaps the chapters at least once a week, when he goes over to Tendou’s room just to sit on his bed with him, their hands joined.

One week, Tendou just— stops him. “Why are you doing this?” He laughs, and the sound is hollow even to his own ears. “I mean, what’s the point of it all?”

Goshiki’s lip trembles and his eyes water up and this is the most emotion Tendou’s felt in days, weeks, maybe even months, because now he feels  _ guilty.  _ “I… I…” Goshiki rubs at his eyes with his free hand, trying not to cry. “You always asked us to read  _ Jump _ before and none of us wanted to do it with you before,” He sniffles. “I don’t know when, but one day you just… stopped asking. You gave up.” Goshiki offered him a wobbly smile. “I wish I had listened to you before. We could’ve spent so much time talking about it. You’re my friend, after all.”

Tendou’s face twitches and contorts oddly and it takes him a moment to realize he’s genuinely smiling. He can’t even remember the last time he did that. A giggle bursts out of him before he realizes it, and then he’s laughing. 

Goshiki stares at him in awe before breaking out into a bright grin.

Tendou surges forward and wraps Goshiki in a hug. “I love you, Tsutomu.”

“I-I love you too, Tendou-senpai!” Goshiki replies, stunned.

Tendou is still laughing when he pulls away, unable to stop. Goshiki’s eager smile slowly melts away as Tendou goes on, his laughter becoming more intense, more hysterical, less intentional. By the time it gives way to uncontrollable sobbing, he’s calling Semi and Ushijima and Reon, panicking and telling them to hurry over. Goshiki coaxes him into crying into his sweater, clutching to his senpai for dear life, scared of what he might do next. What he might try to do next.

The whole time, he refuses to let go of Tendou’s hand.

When Ushijima and Semi burst through the door, Tendou is  _ screaming, _ absolutely  _ writhing _ in pain, as if all of the pain he’s experienced is catching up to him. It’s terrifying, it’s heartbreaking, it’s _ too much. _

By the end of the night, Tendou is catatonic. His eyes are near-lifeless, unseeing, tears streaming out of his eyes without rhyme or reason. He lays in between Ushijima’s legs, his head pillowed on his chest. Semi is leaning against Ushijima’s shoulder, stroking Tendou’s hair and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Goshiki is leaning on Ushijiama’s other shoulder, periodically squeezing Tendou’s hand.

When Tendou squeezes back, Goshiki crushes him in a hug.

That night, Goshiki joins them in bed. He holds him tight, but Tendou won’t let go of his hand either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this on a whim, so it's not exactly my best work. it's been sitting in my drafts for a while though, so i thought i'd go ahead and post it.
> 
> please leave a comment on your way out. thank you for reading.


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